10 Things I do for a Dom

Sissy Jersey mummified at a motel in Salt Lake City

1. Do what I'm told. Not just when I want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. Less talking, more obeying.
2. Keep my commitments. If I/you/we have decided on a certain protocol, then I'm expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside.
3. Be less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about the Dom being in control, I get it. Truthfully all Doms get it. But when every check-in boils down to how things are going for me and I don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes I look kinda shallow.
4. Don’t compare myself to other people. Every time I look at another person and say: “I bet he likes them more than me.” I'm essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me to like you say you do.” You are with me for a reason. Not receiving the desire you feel for me is deeply insulting.
5. Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when I don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why I should take my time and don’t give myself to a Dom who’s a shithead.
6. Own my tantrums. I have feelings, deep intense feelings, if I didn’t I probably wouldn’t be a sub. When I fuck up, I say bad things, I need to accept that in the morning I'll be held accountable for the things I said even if I didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point.
7. Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, you make the magic. You make it by being yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present-moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy thought-stopping is.
8. Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Dom doesn't have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that I always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with my own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. I and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.
9. Stick around. The fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of sissies who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 2-4 weeks once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that dominance is something that’s being done to me, and not with me. If I empower myself as a co-creator of the dynamic, I'll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken.
10. Cut him some ‘effin slack for god sake. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide-open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold his ground when things are difficult, knowing that if I repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics I will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub, if I start to see myself as more human, it gets harder. When I get to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until I'm the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a sissy melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, then you're just a tall dark stranger standing there with my dick in your hand.
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