Anticipating Punishment

Mistakes, errors, neglect, whatever the cause, I know it’s due, I’ve earned it, I won’t escape.

In fact, avoidance would cheapen my submission, dilute his control, and pale our dynamic.

And so, I wait, knowing there is nothing to do but accept whatever consequences he gives.

WHATEVER consequences.

I agonize. I contemplate. I imagine all the things he could come up with.

Try to rationalize why he wouldn’t give me that which you truly hate.

I try to reason why he won’t give me extreme punishments.

And yet, if I am truly fair, I broke the rules, don’t I deserve the worst?

anything less is a gift…

My mind vacillates between the stupidity of my mistakes, the urge to run and the need to take the

the punishment I know I need for redemption.

I wrestle with an undercurrent of fear, my failure had to have been a disappointment to my Master.

Will I be forgiven? Is it forgivable? Am I forgivable?

Anticipating the punishment is often so much worse than the actual punishment.

Often.

Not Always.